Tree Hugger

What Your Car Says About You

Posted on by Zach Billings
Categories: Douchebaggery, Internal Combustion Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Disclaimer: This article is intended to be humorous. The opinions and views portrayed are not necessarily my own and, frankly, should be viewed as offensive. This is for your entertainment only.

Being rather extreme about my opinions of cars and people, I have come to notice that a surprising number of the stereotypes formed about people, based on their cars, are true. Even for the ones that aren’t true, here’s what you need to know. You’re the only one who doesn’t think you’re a tree hugging hippie in your Prius! Most of the stereotypes people hold, based around what someone drives, seem to be held fairly unanimously by anyone who A) Has an opinion at all, and B) Doesn’t also drive the car in question. Here I will, using a combination of facts, opinions, and observations, explain what you are based on your car.

Mini Cooper
We start with the Mini Cooper because, interestingly, it seems as if there are very few sensible people who negatively stereotype Mini drivers. Unless you drive a lifted pickup with a Confederate flag or a yellow Hummer on polished chrome 22’s, you probably like Minis and their drivers. As a Mini driver you are probably friendly, courteous, and level headed. You may find people hold the door more for you, simply because you have a competent look on your face, indicative of your actual personality. Drivers of the zippy little BWM off-chute don’t carry the stigma of the BWM driver, partially because most don’t know Mini is part of BMW, and partly because they don’t deserve it.

Honda Civic
Well this would very much depend on the model year and if the owner has intentionally punched holes in the muffler because they think it now sounds like a Ferrari (it doesn’t). If you have a new Civic you are probably a little dull, but not to the point of being intolerable. You don’t really understand crude humor but you don’t care to because, like your car, you think fun and giggles are overrated. You also might be a student at a $50,000/year school, in which case your parents bought the car, you’re probably an artsy-fartsy asshole, and all other bets are off.
If you have an old Civic without the muffler holes, you’re broke. There’s really no two ways about that. You’re also most likely an immigrant – who knows where from – who hasn’t taken the time to learn much more than a few sentences in English. Along with the lack of English comes a lack of understanding in the department of car care… And you wonder why people look at you funny with your three missing hubcaps, off-color fender panel, and black smoke billowing from the tailpipe.
With the muffler holes you are the same as without except you think fake hood vents, a fart-can exhaust, and one chrome spinner make your car fast. Owners of the new Civic Si are the same but their parents paid for the car.

Dodge Grand Caravan
If you have a new one, see ‘new Civic’ and subtract 30 IQ points and all parenting skills. If you have a used one, see ‘old Civic’ and adjust to ‘not an immigrant’ and possessing even less parenting skills. (Your IQ is low enough that you still can’t speak English).



Nissan Altima/Honda Accord
Rare amongst drivers of practical, Japanese economy cars, drivers of Altima and Accords (current body styles only) are conscious of practicality as well as appearance and image. Neither of these cars is as drab as the rest of their market segment and their owners will likely share in that. Where owners of the two models will differ is in that Honda drivers will tend a little towards the way of the Civic driver. They could stand to be a little more fun and there’s a good chance they’re a little stuck in their ways because they didn’t buy the Altima. They may also be one of those reliability freaks that doesn’t understand the idea of progressing technology. Nonetheless, the Accord owner frequently makes up for their shortcomings in other areas of their lives, making them interesting and fun to be around… Usually…

Must I say more? The Hummer driver may as well have the word ‘obtuse’ tattooed on their forehead, since it’s the only way they’re going to make it more obvious. Those who drive Hummers don’t understand the concept of the changing world or the idea of subtly. The Hummer is one of those cars that seems like a joke at face value, until your realize it was intended to be serious. Their drivers are much the same way.

Chevy Suburban
Not terribly dissimilar from the Hummer driver, the Suburban driver has no idea how absurd they look in their behemoth vehicle, containing a family of… four. Suburban drivers are the wealthy type who tend to flaunt their cash in brash, tacky ways, rather than spending on subtle class and appropriate proportions. Think 8,000sq.ft. mansion with a gold-leaf lawn gnome out front. Even a concrete bird bath would have been a big improvement.

Nissan TitanNissan Titan
The Titan driver differs from the type who drive large American trucks and even those who drive Toyota Tundras. Big macho men who drive American trucks often use them for their intended purpose – even if they should have bought the next size down, considering their needs. Tundra drivers are sensible, having bought a decent Japanese truck, while still planning to utilize it’s abilities. The Titan driver is neither of these. He often wears Oakley’s when he drives and will tell you that he uses his truck heavily (even when an Xterra could have done the job). He is a chronic tailgater who likes to camp 4ft of the bumper of the next car in the fast lane – and the ‘puny’ human driving it – only to drop down to match their speed once past. Titan drivers, fitting with their use for the car, are also the first to modify their trucks. Sometimes it’s just blacked out tail lights, but more often than not it’s powder coat black wheels, a 6 inch lift, blacked out everything, and a big shiny chrome brush guard. Now tell me you’re really using that for practical purposes…

Chevy can be generalized as a brand. Really, Chevys are owned by people who just haven’t gotten with the times yet. In a study by Forbes magazine, 13% of Chevy owners don’t use the internet, vs only 3% of Honda owners. This is especially sad because quite a few Hondas are driven by old folks who likely comprise most of that 3%. Next time you see a Confederate flag on a pickup, note the brand. If it’s not a Chevy it’s probably a Dodge, and that should say all you need to know.

The Boats
Crown Victoria, Grand Marquis, Cadillac DeVille, etc. These are the boats. What their purchasers see in them is a true mystery. This leads to the only sensible conclusion, which is that they just weren’t thinking. Those who drive the boats are usually old and displaying the early signs of Alzheimer’s. This may explain why they drive 15 under the speed limit, since they forget they just saw a posted speed limit. Drivers of the boats are often thought to be ignoring those honking and flashing high beams behind them. This is a common misconception. They’re just too damn oblivious to have noticed. Many would agree that the government ought to implement a mandatory license retest at some regular interval after reaching 65 years of age. It ought to be after 65 or if you drive a boat.

Pick a BMW, any BMW. Doesn’t matter which one you drive, your favorite sentence is “My [insert noun here] is better than yours.” You just like to let your [insert noun here] do the talking for you. In this case it’s your car. You think that slogan “Ultimate Driving Machine” means something and, furthermore, you are convinced you’re the Ultimate Human Being. More like Ultimate Douchebag! The worst part about you isn’t the fact that you’re a douchebag though. It’s the fact that you don’t know it.

If they sold Subaru’s at REI, it would be your one-stop shop. Sandals, check. Granola bars, check. Organic protein bars and electrolyte supplements for this weekend’s hiking excursion, check! A Subaru driver is like a Pruis driver that might be inclined to tailgate, rather than being tailgated. They are tree hugging hippies who can hold a conversation with a normal person. They are typically intelligent and educated, not sticking to the beaten trail (figuratively and literally) but staying close enough to keep from being alienated.
A branch off from the way of the Subaru driver and a break in the view that Subaru drivers are lesbians are the WRXs and STIs. While drivers of new WRXs are some of the least stereotyped and best behaved on the road, STI drivers are hated equally by many. Typically douchey and lacking respect for road rules, STI drivers often possess a subtle-but-powerful superiority complex.



Ferrari 458 Italia
Drivers of the 458 are sort of rich beyond reproach. Everyone wants to hate them but there is some reservation, caused by the 458’s supercar pricetag. The 458 driver is much like the BMW driver in that there was more value for money out there, but they’d rather have the brand than the true function. When you see a 458 drive past, the driver is always looking straight ahead, trying to pretend like he doesn’t love all the attention. If he didn’t want attention he’d have bought a better car with less flash.

Ferrari 512 Testarossa
“Another Ferrari?” you say, “What’s the difference?” Big difference. The Testarossa is driven by the same type that would drive a high-spec C4 Corvette. These types think they’re all that with their unbuttoned shirt, gold chain, and arm on the door. The Testarossa driver goes past a group of attractive women thinking, ‘They know they want me.” Unless you literally have a Ferrari or Corvette collection, the old ones are driven by people who don’t have the money for a new one and never will. What a Testarossa driver doesn’t realize is that, in the case of his car, the Ferrari emblem does the opposite of what it usually does. It demonstrates you DON’T have money.

Dodge Viper
“You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious.” When Obi-Wan Kenobi said that in Star Wars, he wasn’t talking about Mos Eisley spaceport. He was talking about the Dodge Viper. These brute-force mobiles are the mechanical embodiment of their owners. They are all brawn, no brains, sleek looks, and when you say just the wrong thing to it, it tears your head off and disembowels you to prove that its everything it tries to be. The Viper driver isn’t just douchey. He’s an ass hole through and through. Veins jacked full of steroids and a porn star in the passenger seat.

Prius drivers are likely the most hated on the road. You see a Hummer and start yelling profanities, but nowhere near as loudly as when you’re stuck behind a Prius. The Prius driver is a sheep. A lemming. A timid insect, incapable of rational thought. Prius drivers are blinded by the green ideal and have not taken but a minute to examine it. They do not realize that the battery in their silly super-hybrid did more damage to the environment than all the gas they will save can possibly negate. They try to preach green to everyone around them and turn themselves off when another opinion comes along. Prius drivers exhibit overly liberal sensibilities and can be summed up as martyrs without a cause, driving 10 under no matter now long and angry the line of traffic behind them.


  1. Dude,

    Way funny …and OH so true. My rendition that I penned last week before stumbling onto your post.

    Woody Hoschswender ( Did my car join AlQaeda?)must be reading my mail. There isn’t a day that goes by that I lug along behind some tree hugging shmuck in his gas sipping Prius at 25 MPH in a 40 MPH zone. Same goes for the granola crunching Subaru-ites who seem to live in an opaque bubble while they tool down the freeway at a miserly 50 MPH in a 65 zone when most people have someplace to be. Am I ranting alone? Probably not as I ride the bumpers of the tin can I affectionately have named pedal cars. Look out, before I crush you with my 2006 Nissan Titan monster truck!
    Personal ranting aside, the media has certainly portrayed us V-8 350 plus horsepower fiends as some sort of subversive group who might as well be wiring our paychecks to the bombers themselves. In all honesty, I’ve owned 2 of these monsters since 2001 and have driven them proudly, all the while, pouring thousands of dollars into their tanks. You would think I must be Rockefeller or someone with means beyond the average Joe. Not so. I am average Joe and refuse to knuckle under to being terrorized by the pedal car crowd.
    As Hoschswender so aptly put it, we big rig drivers tend to make better use of our fuel economy and don’t just cruise around all nilly-willy. We group our trips and use the larger vehicle for its intended purpose. Of course, it helps to keep a 30+MPG gas sipper in the garage for longer family trips where you won’t need a houseful of luggage or gear to drag with you. That would be a Nissan Altima 2010.
    Fuel economy is about purchasing the right tools for the correct application and not as a vain display. After all, you wouldn’t drive a screw with a hand saw.

    1. Well written. Don’t take offense but that gave me an idea of where I want to take an update, to include the Titan. I work for a Nissan dealer and my boss drives one. I’m all too familiar with the stereotypes =P.

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